When the Gut and the Mind Go Down Together — The First Thoughts Post

Hi everyone!

The blog split has happened, so from now on I can hopefully explain my own thoughts better. Until now the recipe for paprika potatoes got tangled up with my profound musings, which may have been a bit confusing — but that's over now. I actually have plenty of thoughts I could write down, but let's start with what happened inside me over the past three weeks: mentally, and quite literally inside me.

Illness

Let me start by saying that three weeks ago a fairly serious illness swept through me. Well, for an average person it wouldn't be a serious illness, but in my situation it unfortunately is. I'll explain why I say that, but first let me describe what led up to it and how I experienced it — literally.

It started when I ate something I hadn't had in a long time: sushi. By sushi I mean the kind where rice is wrapped in green seaweed with cucumber or chicken inside, all with soy sauce and pickled ginger. I hadn't had it in ages, and it had been a long time before the surgery too, but I always liked it and never had any trouble with it. Over the past weeks I'd been feeling great in my own skin, everything was going well, and I thought I'd reward myself with a little extra treat. Well, sadly I shouldn't have.

Right after eating it there was nothing wrong yet, but I already had a feeling nothing good would come of this. I'd also ordered a little paper box on the side with noodles, chicken, vegetables, soy sauce and such — basically standard Asian, nothing fancy. I couldn't even finish half of it. I figured I'd eat it the next day. But there was no chance for that, because as soon as I woke up in the morning I could feel in my body that something wasn't right.

My stomach was burning badly, I felt queasy, nauseous, my head hurt, and the site of my surgery was prickling a bit. That was the point where I said to myself: great, here we are again. Back to where I'd been when my bowel disease was developing, when I had similar symptoms. I got very scared, and at first I didn't know what was wrong with me. I'd guessed at everything: maybe I ate something spoiled (even though I check every expiry date), or the sushi (my strongest guess), or the worst option, that something was wrong with my gut again.

Naturally I had diarrhea, and my stool wasn't normal either. That's the strongest sign that something's off. An average person waves it away, it'll pass, a bit of diarrhea won't hurt anyone. But for me — after everything I've been through — even a bit of diarrhea is a strong flashback to my bowel surgery period. Because from that I know it isn't being digested properly, it's passing through my intestines too fast, my colon isn't firming it up, so that's where the problem is.

In the first days I waited — or rather, tried to survive — hoping it was just a day or two and would pass. I told myself it must be the weather front, or who knows. I'd already considered everything. Meanwhile I lived on toast and ham. I had to, so I wouldn't strain my system. Of course the diarrhea kept going nonstop, and all the other symptoms were present at once.

On day 3-4, when still nothing had improved, my anxiety kept ramping up and I booked an appointment for detailed blood work. The results came back the same day: apparently no signs of inflammation, which reassured me a bit. Though my liver and kidney values weren't perfect, they were hovering at the borderline.

Then on day 7-8, following my wife's suggestion, I drank an isotonic sports drink with a cheese scone. At first I thought it was nonsense, but in the end that's what pulled me out of the mess (literally, xd). After that I gradually started getting better, and a few days later the symptoms stopped and order was restored. It's not certain — in fact it's pretty certain — that this isn't what cured me, it just coincided with the recovery, but I was very glad about it anyway.

Finally, on this: experimenting isn't great, but it's useful and necessary. I've realized that from now on the Asian line is dangerous for this gut of mine. Or rather part of it: the very spicy and hot things. Even though I only had a tiny bit of wasabi — because, fool that I am, I didn't recognize it — and the ginger probably didn't help my gut either, because it was strong, as was the soy sauce. I need to be more careful with strong flavors. I should lean toward the milder, saucier, creamier line instead, like Italian. The thing is, Hungarian food doesn't really fit that bill either.

To anyone who's just as freshly out of bowel surgery: I'd recommend minimizing the Asian line and being careful. I tested it so you don't have to.

So this was my first serious illness since the surgery, but thankfully I'm past it. What's worst, though, is the thought that something could be wrong with my gut again, that I could end up in hospital the same way, walking the same road all over again... I don't know how strong I'd be, compared to how strong I was then. I'd probably get through it somehow, but I wouldn't be as strong. I don't want to go through this again, so I have to pay extra attention to every aspect of my life to make sure it doesn't happen twice.

Mood swings

What came after this, though, I really didn't want. I absolutely did not need a period of mood swings, like the one before and during the surgeries.

Along with the general malaise lingering to some degree — meaning I have a constant, very mild headache, which might be down to the weather changing as autumn approaches — the quality of my sleep has also badly deteriorated. Until now I slept perfectly, like a baby (though I don't think babies actually do, xd), got up in the morning for work, and started the day feeling fresh. But since then, every morning has been a struggle. As if this illness knocked something out of alignment that had been building up until now. Or maybe it took such a toll on my system that it needs time to regenerate before every function works properly again? Maybe, possibly. I've tried to sleep 8 hours a day, but sometimes it ends up being 6 or less. And even when I sleep more, I'm still not rested, and I've been like a zombie for weeks.

Which means my motivation has dropped sharply. There isn't the same fire in me as there was weeks or months ago, and that frightens me a bit. But at the same time, the discipline has stayed, so I'm doing what I need to do, I'm not stopping work on my plans, I'm moving forward — just tired, unmotivated, and a little sad.

The sadness has been surfacing lately, and most likely as a result of all this. Because I don't really have a reason for it: I see the world positively, I genuinely do. I know there are much worse fates than mine, I'm grateful for what I have, and I'm not insatiable. I try to live in the present, to experience it and be happy. But right now the illness has weakened me on every front, and the fact that the gut-brain axis exists is very real indeed. Starting from the illness, I've ended up at sadness. There absolutely is a connection.

So if someone's in a bad mood without much of a reason for it, and doesn't understand why — it's possible that health issues are behind it too, gut-related ones for instance, or their body is going through some period of regeneration. The body needs energy and proper rest, and that can't be taken lightly. That's another thing I've unfortunately learned from my own decisions. But maybe I'll write about that in another post sometime.

That said, I have a strong need to get back the strong version of myself from a few weeks ago. I need it, and I'm not going to stay in this state!

We have to pay attention to our body's signals and not wave them off, because the body is a very sensitive instrument — especially past 30, and increasingly so after that.

Summary

This first thoughts post has been interesting. I've never written out what I think in this much detail before. I don't imagine anyone will ever read these lines, but if it happens to help even one or two people in some way, I think it was worth it.

I'm explaining all this at such length and in such detail so that if anyone is in the same boat as me, they'll know what to do, or recognize the problem from the signs. I want to help people with my own experience, because when I was going through the bowel surgery periods, nobody could help me — I had to figure out everything on my own, right up to today. And what I wouldn't have given to be able to read someone else's experience somewhere. Sadly I didn't even have that much.

Of course my family supported me in their own way, but essentially I was left completely on my own.

It was me, and my little bowel disease...